"Life is worth nothing" how many times have I heard this and how many times did I realize the weight of this sentence and how many more times did I forget the whole thing all together.
Today, I was reminded of that, unfortunately I was reminded through a relative.
He is in his nineties, yet the wisest smartest liveliest man you would ever meet, until three days ago when his heart decided to take a break.
I went to visit him in the ICU, he was under sedation, and was hooked up to countless wires and a ventilator; his eyes were kept shut with a tape. He was alone. The sight distrubed me, I never imagined to see this kind man in this position. I've always seen him surrounded by his children and grandchildren and grand grand children, laughing, saying stories about the past.
I couldn't stand for long; I sat on the chair where his cane rested. I felt so helpless and guilty for missing out many days, many months I could have spent learning more from him. I cried, I cried more when I looked at that cane that rested there, that cane must be missing his grip, his weight, his company. I do.
I remembered that man that I never met, but knew much about, a young man who died of HIV, he was local, why do I mention that, because it hit me, that you can actually know a person who is somewhat related that would die from HIV. I cried for him when he died, and cried more when I saw my dear old relative. Why? I guess because I imagined him on a bed in ICU, alone with his parents and younger sister. Nobody knew what was wrong with him except for his parents and his sister. It was a big secret to all, including his parents and sister until three weeks before he deteriorated...that is when they got to know. God knows how long he knew for, how painful it was for him to carry that secret alone, the shame, the guilt, the anger and most of all th loneliness he felt inside. One the outside he seemed like the luckiest man, with a wife and few children and lots of money, on the inside he lead a lonely life, his mother was too busy with her own life, his dad with his affairs, his wife with her career, his brothers didn't pay much attention to him because he was not business oriented. He was lonely. He died lonely, and with little sympathy.
When death comes I guess we are left all alone to deal with it...no matter how full your life is.
Rest in peace M.
May Allah heal you uncle.